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3 Reasons Open-Mindedness is a Key to Self-Growth
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Trust the Process.
I’m the kind of person who loves getting things right on the first try, and I know I’m definitely not alone here. I can honestly say I love sketching and creating visual art, but I often have very little patience when it comes to overarching growth. I get so scared that I’ll fail that with many things, I don’t think it’s worth it to try. I’d rather stick to what I know I’m good at. That makes sense, right?
Well actually, wrong.
The biggest problem there is that some things that I have to do, and more often than not, those are the experiences that have taught me to trust the process.
If you love makeup like I do, you probably think about that phrase in the context of creating a beautiful eyeshadow look. If you love poetry like I do, you probably think about that phrase in the context of writing a piece worthy of pride. If you’re a Christian like I am, you might think about becoming more like Jesus every day and having to rely on God for that.
The point is that everyone at some point has to either learn to trust the process or struggle through the experience. My 11-year-old cousin Kara saw this in my most recent Youtube video (linked below) while trying to follow my eyeshadow tutorial. She was using the same products, the same brushes, and the same face, but she got so frustrated trying to do exactly what I did.
Why? Because I’m 17 and have been doing eyeshadow six years longer than she has. For me, it’s muscle memory. I’ve had my own makeup journey and she tried to jump into my shoes. When I was watching Kara recreate my “simple smokey eye,” I couldn’t help but think of a certain Jaclyn Hill look I attempted to create when I was in 8th grade.
This is what I was trying to do.
This is what I did.
Let’s just be honest: that is so discouraging. However tragic that recreation was though, I kept trying because I loved makeup. So, a year later (9th grade) I tried that same eye look again, and while it wasn’t a perfect recreation, it was so much better.
LOOK AT THAT GROWTH! I could still critique so much about this attempt, and I promise if I did it now (11th grade) it would be even closer to my goal.
I gave an eyeshadow example because that’s what Kara made me think of, but trusting the process is so relevant in every part of our lives. In context of I Feel Pretty and being a teenager, I think about learning to love myself and others.
I remember when I was wallowing in self-loathing as a little 5th grade girl, I wondered why it was taking me so long to just get over myself. I wondered why I couldn’t just snap my fingers and not hate myself. I didn’t understand the process. Leaving kind notes on my mirror every day was a step. Forgiving myself for not wearing makeup all the time was a step. Accepting my naturally curly hair (when all my friends have straight hair) was a step. Writing poetry is a step. Complimenting others was a step. Learning to not be ashamed about what I’m passionate about was a step. Doing this project is a step.
Much like many other things, self-improvement and self-acceptance are a part of a widespread spectrum.
It’s okay if right now you dread summer because you don’t want to wear a swimsuit. It’s okay if right now you’re in a slump. It’s okay if right now, you feel like there’s nothing to learn within your current circumstance. It’s okay if right now, you stare in the mirror and don’t like what you see. I’ve been there. We all have. Sometimes, I’m still there.
You’re growing. You’re improving. You’re a part of a process. I’m telling myself this as much as I’m telling you. Take a deep breath and take a few steps.
Poem- "Ode to My Matriarch"
In some crease of my brain, I imagine my first memory is a frozen image of you smiling
or maybe sitting on a yellow leather couch, curled up, Bible open,
then I skip with the youthful ignorance that still grasps my ankle up to my room
with princess wallpaper; being your daughter meant there was no need
for a Bippity-Boppity Boutique, but you’ve always made a way for us
to have things we don’t need because if personal values were embroidered,
your back would be stitched with the word, “FAMILY.”
You always seem to know how to make everything work.
I used to dream about being a butterfly, and I’m convinced that in some ways,
because of you, I’ve become one.
The unseen and unforeseeable are no boundaries for you,
and perhaps that’s why faith made sense to me even when it didn’t.
High heels in trophy cases because they walked through so much sand,
they made themselves valuable, remarkable,
but with diamonds tied to your fingernails, you still clutch sand in your fist,
telling me, “See what you can make and never forget what you made it with.”
You taught me the most important lesson of poetry.
Anything can be created from anything because those boundaries are not real.
What is real is more than tangible,
what is real on earth was made.
Never forget what you made it with,
or you may never even see it.
Poem- "If I Were Her"
I think to myself that if I could really be her
I’d never feel insecure again.
My life would be without issue
because I’d be so pretty that nothing else would matter.
My fingertips would be crafted out of daisies,
holding my hand would feel like walking through a meadow,
and there’d be nothing more to do than enjoy the greenery.
I start to think water would start to collect itself just to reflect my image.
There’d be a race of molecules causing much more than surface tension.
I believe I’d stare in the mirror so long
I wouldn’t need to know anything but how to bat my eyelashes.
I’d document my entire life and post every photo I featured in on VSCO.
I don’t think I’d get mad at myself for wearing sweatpants in public,
that I’d play in the game of comparison.
I’d stop caring about the game everyone always loses.
But then I step back and think,
and I wonder if her sadness would shock me.
Heather Chandler put it best when she sang,
“No one thinks a pretty girl has feelings.”
How often do we remove the brain from another girl’s head
simply because we want to be them?
Maybe, I think,
it’s somehow easier for me to make a guess in the darkness
than a declaration in the light.
The fact of the matter is there is no “really.”
There is no honesty within the “If.”
I could say, “If…” all day long and nothing would be done if I didn’t stop.
To tell the truth, if I can’t accept myself,
I can’t expect anyone else to do so,
and that is an “If” I can do something about.
Poem- "When the World Shuts Down"
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Why I Stopped Wearing Makeup Every Day
Before sixth grade, the only makeup in my possession was reserved for dance competitions. If you aren’t familiar with stage makeup, that entailed a foundation a tad too dark for me to show up on stage, purple or green eyeshadow, and usually bright red or pink lipstick. Obviously I couldn’t wear that everyday, but that all changed in the first semester of sixth grade. My mom took me to get everyday makeup. I believed I had reached the epitome of womanhood. Everyday makeup? Natural makeup? Where was this all coming from? Whatever. It didn’t matter. I was hooked.
If you saw me at any given moment in sixth or seventh grade, I probably looked like this. That exact makeup look, usually wearing a bandana in my hair.
I wouldn’t be caught dead without my precious everyday makeup.
Nonetheless, one day in seventh grade I didn’t wear makeup, and it really was terrifying. I didn’t wake up late; I made the conscious decision to go to school bare-faced. When I walked into first period, I heard a snicker from the assistant teacher. Assuming it had nothing to do with me, I sat down. She walked over to me and said, “Are you sick?”
My head dropped a little as I responded, “No ma’am. I just didn’t wear makeup today.”
She said, “Did you wake up late?”
My head dropped a little lower. “No ma’am. I just didn’t want to wear makeup today.”
“Oh. Okay,” she exhaled as she walked to the other side of the classroom.
If that wasn’t mortifying enough, an eighth grader walked up to me in the hallway and asked me if I had shaved my eyebrows. Needless to say, I wore makeup for the rest of the year. I couldn’t imagine having a conversation like that again. I already hated myself enough; I didn’t need validation telling me I should.
The summer between 7th and 8th grade was one of major growth. I went to church camps, Girl Scout camp, and theatre camp, and in the midst of all the activities, I had less time to hate myself. Don’t misunderstand: it was still sprinkled throughout my day, but it was exhausting to try and wake up early to wear makeup at camp. No one cared. No one wore makeup. We wore bandanas, braided our hair, and brushed our teeth. If you didn’t smell bad, no one would say anything to you.
Taking the time to get used to my bare face was crucial to becoming comfortable with it. Obviously if I never even saw myself without makeup, no one else would be used to it either.
It was around this time I saw the infamous NikkieTutorials Youtube video, “The Power of Makeup,” and for the first time since I first got everyday makeup, makeup didn’t seem like a burden. It seemed like an art form. For those unfamiliar, in Nikkie’s video, she completely glams half of her face and leaves the other side untouched.
I decided to give it a try. “The Power of Makeup” was about empowering both sides of your face. It was about realizing that both sides were beautiful because they’re both your face.
no makeup, slept on curled hair :)
So now, if you see me on any given day, you’ll see any variety of the following pictures or how I look on my Youtube channel. Maybe I’m wearing makeup, maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m just wearing mascara. Maybe my hair is straight or I’m wearing it curly, like it is naturally. Maybe it’s braided or I’ve gone four days without washing it. No matter what, you will see me, and just like my mood, my appearance has “better days” than others, but beneath it all is me. I’d like to think I’m less awkward than I was 5 years ago, but who can really say?
curled hair, makeup done :)
Enough Pretty to Go Around
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"No I'm Not."
I always have and always will love theatre, specifically musicals. I’ve always loved singing and dancing, but acting has often arisen as a sore subject for me. It’s funny, actually, considering such a large part of something I love so much can so easily discourage me. Anytime I’m in a position to receive criticism for it, constructive or otherwise, I find myself word vomiting, “I’m really sorry… see I love theatre, but I’m really bad at acting, so I’m really sorry. I’m not good at acting, I know I’m bad, I’m sorry.”
Maybe it’s because I focused more on singing, dancing, writing, and doing makeup growing up, but the biggest part of theatre makes me word vomit apologies? I’ve been told I have such a big personality, so why do I shut down when it comes to acting? It doesn’t make sense.
Even with my best friend Ansley telling me I really wasn’t doing as bad as I thought at becoming a grandma, I found myself saying, “I’ve accepted I’m not good at acting. I know,” when that wasn’t what she was telling me at all.
What I was doing was responding to what I assumed my friends meant, rather than responding to the words coming out of their mouths. One day, acting was brought up in a conversation between my brother and me, and I went on my whole word vomit rant about how awful I am.
Guess what he said.
“The only reason you’re ever actually bad at acting is because you’ve convinced yourself you are.”
Ouch.
After that conversation, I really started thinking. I realized I’ve made a habit of responding to constructive criticism and compliments the same way I did acting. Instead of thanking the person, I’d flip the compliment their way to avoid addressing their words... or I’d just deny it completely.
“You’re so pretty!” someone would say.
“No, that’s you!” I’d respond.
What’s wrong with thank you?
Lately I’ve been working on gratitude. If someone takes time to tell you something nice, you can take the time to thank them. Last month I got highlights in my hair, and although they were subtle, I’ve never gotten my hair color altered in any way before, so it was a big deal to me. I made sure that anyone who told me they liked my hair, I said, “Thank you,” because I did too.
Now, I will say it’s a lot easier to say thank you when you believe what they’re telling you, so maybe there’s more to it than that example. However, saying, “Thank you,” to the sensitive topics helps you learn to appreciate them. Saying, “Thank you,” is a start to accepting your progress.
Am I going to become the best actress ever because I learned how to thank people? No, I’m not, but I’m going to start accepting myself for where I am, not beating myself up for it. After all, you can’t grow if you’re stuck in the mud.
Pretty is as Pretty Does
I think I’ve heard the phrase, “Pretty is as pretty does,” from almost every southern woman in my life at least once. I’d always nod, smile, and come to the conclusion that they were just telling me to be nice. Though that’s true, I didn’t really understand what, “Pretty is as pretty does,” meant until I was a little bit older. I never saw what a call to action that phrase was until I realized the impact I have on my two sweet little cousins, Kara and her little sister Kallie.
Here’s Kara and Kallie in 2019 :)
Here’s Kara and me in 2012!
Over the last ten years with Kara, the same southern women who preached, “Pretty is as pretty does,” also warned me to be careful how I acted because Kara would follow my lead exactly. Again, I’d smile, nod, and come to the conclusion that they’re telling me not to rob a bank or something. I couldn’t possibly affect what Kara did that much, right?
Suddenly, everytime I sang, Kara sang along. She even started liking songs almost solely because I showed them to her (“Stepsisters Lament” from Cinderella). She loved when I made up dances for her to learn, and she loved it even more when I’d do her makeup. Sounds like a totally sweet gig, right? Well...
The problem, I noticed, was when I got frustrated, she followed suit. When I got annoyed and complained for five minutes, she’d start rolling her eyes in annoyance too. I realized I had a lot of control over how she’d learn to react to situations. That’s a lot for an 11-year-old to process! It was so much more fun to complain, right? Well, it wasn’t very fun to have a shadow complaining alongside you. I know misery loves company, but this was different.
I knew there had to be a reason I would get so upset at Kara copying all the negative things I did. After some serious thinking, I realized I hated seeing such ugly actions come from such a pretty little girl. I knew what a good heart Kara had. I knew she was kind, funny, and beautiful. However, when she’d copy my ugly actions, it was a lot harder to see just how pretty she was.
After learning how to better react to minor inconveniences, I understood that not only do I need to avoid being a negative influence, but I need to strive to be a positive one. Just when I almost had it figured out, Kallie was born in 2017, and I knew Kara would be in for the same ride I just encountered. I relayed to Kara the same information those wise southern women did to me: “Pretty is as pretty does,” and, “Whatever you do, Kallie will copy it, so be careful.”
Over the last few years I’ve watched Kallie eagerly follow in Kara’s footsteps, and each time Kara uses her power for good, my heart gets a little happier. One of the first beauty tips a young girl should ever hear is that they’re only as pretty as their actions are. So to my beautiful little cousins (and everyone else) be kind, be strong, be pretty, and never forget that someone, just a little younger than you, can’t wait to see what you do next.